An Awesome Review of Awesomesauce

A few weeks ago, Breadpig fan Armen Haftvani sent us this incredible account of his experience with AwesomeSauce. We wanted to post it then, but Legal was worried that this would encourage copycat Awesomesauce comas around the world. I've finally convinced them to let us post it with this notice:

**Professional awesome person on a closed track. Do not attempt this at home, kids.**

Okay, take it away, Armen!

October 5th, 2010 was the day I received my package of Awesomesauce, and only today....January 5th 2011, have I woken up from my awesome induced coma.

I've missed a lot in the past three months, including various birthdays and the entire Steam holiday sale, but it was worth it. I wish I could say this sauce is great on meat, but I made the dire mistake of opening the bottle and taking a large gulp of the stuff straight from the bottle, it's only now that I wish I had a frosted mug with me.

I remember it like it was yesterday, because comas will do that to you, after the first swig I immediately became enraged that I hadn't ever tasted something like this before, it was a cocktail of emotions in those 30 seconds; I was furious, I was delighted, I was enlightened, I think I saw Nirvana, which is strange because both Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic are still alive, but that's irrelephant, I stumbled backwards into my mother's fine China display, of course the first thing she did when I woke up this morning was to yell at me for being so irresponsible. I immediately screamed for my laptop because I had to let you know about my experience. I was promptly informed that the laptop was sold to pay for the hospital bills, after sobbing uncontrollably the entire car ride home I'm finally at my own computer to write this review.

So this sauce is the best thing in the universe, plain and simple. Few times has man been able to accomplish something that makes others stand back and say yes, this is all I need in my life. It happened for the wheel, it happened with fire, and it has happened with Awesomesauce. Being a generous person, the first thing I did when I got home was to try to offer some to my various family members who were there with balloons and flowers to congratulate me on being alive.

balloons?!....FLoWERS!!!?? what is thwhat is that!?!? A banner!!!?? Why do I need any of this garbage?! Give me awesomesauce!

I screamed at the top of my lungs to my loving (mostly foreign) family members who couldn't understand what I was saying or why I was so upset. The last thing I remember was kicking a hole in my parents' new 60 inch LED tv and trying to force the sauce down my dogs throat, as I knew she'd be the only one to really appreciate it. I passed out for an hour or so, and awoke again to my dad giving me one of those dad looks, you know. I'm not upset, I'm just disappointed but I couldn't care less, I had the gospel of sauce to announce, I immediately grabbed the nearest megaphone (I keep several by my bed at all times) and got in my car driving around the neighborhood screaming at anyone who would listen, but mostly people who wouldn't listen, I was promptly arrested and given several million volts of electricity, the whole time my only thought was, I bet if awesomesauce was heated it would taste even better.

I finally have managed to post bail and get home to write this for you, I wanted to have some of the sauce for inspiration but it seems my brother, while I was in the police station, took a rowboat out to the middle of a nearby lake and threw the rest of my sauce into the middle, complete with cement shoes and everything. So here I sit a broken, sauceless manbut I still have my completely warped memories of a brief moment of happiness in my life, Awesomesauce.

TL;DR: Awesomesauce completely ruined my life, but it still the most amazing thing I've ever tasted, thank you.

Well, there you have it, folks. Enjoy responsibly.